Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

Dismal River Club Opens in Nebraska

On August 5, Jack Nicklaus will be in Mullen, Neb., for the opening of his 250th golf course design. The first 18 holes at Dismal River Club occupy a stretch of the Nebraska Sandhills. Though located thousands of miles from either the Pacific or Atlantic oceans, the rolling, grass-covered dunes accurately mimic the seaside links of Scotland and Ireland.

Dismal River is as unique as it is traditional, as minimalistic as it is cutting edge. With his pick of any of the property’s 2,900 acres, Jack chose the best 400 acres as the site for his first course in the state of Nebraska.

“The experience of arriving at the Dismal River site was like stepping back in time and seeing what the dunes of Northeast Scotland must have looked like a hundred years ago,” the Golden Bear said. “In every direction I looked, I saw great golf holes.”

Nebraska is the 38th state in which Nicklaus Design is represented, and Dismal River becomes Jack’s 208th solo design to go along with 30 co-designs and 12 re-designs. “We are extremely proud that Dismal River represents my 250th design,” Nicklaus added. “And I say ‘we’ because every design I have been involved in, even as a solo designer, was a collaborative effort between dedicated owners and a talented group of design associates and support personnel we have assembled at Nicklaus Design. We are also very proud of Dismal River. In this case the team consisted of Nicklaus Design, a passionate group of owners, and a lot of Mother Nature.”

Dismal River features a private 18-hole links-style layout that measures 7,600 yards from the tips and 6,700 yards from the member tees. Amenities include an 18,000-square-foot clubhouse complete with a “saloon” lounge, four bowling lanes, hunting and golf simulators, card room, pool tables, and a wine room. Fishing will be available during all summer months in either the Dismal River or one of the club’s four stocked ponds on the property. Upland hunting is available after the golf season.

Lodging is available on-site in early Settler-style cabins overlooking the Dismal River. Over 90 percent of the planned lots, which over look freshwater ponds and enjoy endless vistas of the Sandhills, are already sold. To enhance the secluded feel and pure golf experience, players will notice that all vertical structures, including the clubhouse, cabins, and houses are hidden from the course.

Future plans at Dismal River include a second 18-hole course, a nine-hole short course, an Italian restaurant, a spa and wellness center, and general store. On-site lodging will include 160 beds broken up into single-, 2-bed, 4-bed, and 8-bed cabins.

“I think our current and future members will be impressed with the amenities we have assembled at Dismal River, and it all begins with and revolves around our Jack Nicklaus Signature Golf Course,” said managing partner Bill Martin, one of the six Denver-based owners. “We are excited and proud to see what is coming to reality at Dismal River. To look back at what our dream and vision was a few years ago, and to see that dream taking shape, is a special and gratifying feeling to the partners and everyone involved.”

For additional information on Dismal River, call 308/546-2900 or visit www.dismalriver.com.